Existential Loneliness in Kenting

I know, I know we're lost

I know, I Know We're Lost

I can't Help my Self when We drive

Oh, don't hold Us back, This midnight Drive

You see the stars are out tonight

You See The Stars are out tonight

- Still Corners, Midnight Drive

One day In my Life I happened upon a moped

And although there were some later regrets

I happily paid the cost

And perhaps I was Feeling a bit Lost

As I went away to Find mySelf

And what does this mean? Well...

Who Knows

But this is how the Story goes

In my windowless Taiwanese flat

I said to my flatmate lying on the couch on his back

I'm off to the South

But that's where We Are Now...

Yes well…more Souther 

Okay he said, getting up to check the Wifi router

And what for anyway?

I'm off to Find mySelf apparently

Ah right, very Good

And he Wished me Luck as he should

***

And so it was...I don't quite Remember

2015 or 16 or December

Anyways my goal was a place Called Kenting

On the moped I wasn't renting

As I was Now it's proud owner

And at the Time, yes I admit, a mild stoner

And off I scooted, wind blowing through my hair

I packed not Enough clothes and all my Worldly Cares

Toothbrush for brushing my teeth

And a wee little bag of weed

And some would say well that's the Law you've Broke

And I would say well it's rather a bit of a Joke 

And they may reply well we'll grass You up

And I'd say well thanks but I Already have Enough 

And they may get indignant and say "Right then!"

And Others they may get Frightened 

But I would Inform them I don't have a driver's license

So Two birds One stone

What Is This young lady on?

Och nevermind let's Get out of Here

Good, good, Now the Way is Clear 

So there I Am on the Open road

Excitedly chilled, not yet stoned

After some breaks at 7-11

A glorious snack-filled Heaven

And several hours of Eyes wide Open

No rain Here I'm hoping

Ah but it is a rather wind Filled coast

And Now I'm driving at my slowest

Or else this bike will blow Over

And I'll be splatted by a range rover

Anyways after All That

I Stop and get out my Map

And yes Here I Am and Now again I go

Pull up to the youth hostel

And it's so chilled and nice

This Here dorm room will suffice

And I Go and sit Outside

Wondering what to do tonight

Let's Go out a scoot

And have a wee Explore aboot

And off I go for said scoot

And it's Dark Now the Night is oot

I Pass shops and the town Centre

People, market stalls, bicycle renters

Lots of Lights and Colour

And People chatting to One another

I keep going til a Bigger Road Opens Up

Not much Here, just Passing trucks

And I Look around for Signs

Or anything to help pass the Time

Ah Here's a Sign - what's It say?

Some touristy Beauty spot this Way

Very good, as I Am a One for lonely beauty spots

And down a pitch black side road where I got…

ATTACKED by angry dogs!

They leapt at me like Demonic frogs!

And I had almost Forgot

I was on a moped bike

I turned to Flee back to the Safe lamplit night 

At my feet they fiercely Snapped

And my underwear was almost crapped

But luckily after I zoomed the fuck away

And stopped to Breathe so I could stay

On This Planet Earth

I Wondered whether those dogs even Cared

About the Sign over there

That said it was for holiday makers

NOT for those Looking to Meet their Maker 

And though for quite some time I was Confused

Today I Look back and Feel rather amused

Yes, it took me a while to Learn

How to use my Mind to Discern 

And not just to blindly Trust what a Sign said

Or the beliefs and thoughts in my head

But to use my own Inner Guidance

Right then…

Where Are We?

Ah yes Passing through a road filled bunch of trees

And Up a hill

It's very Still

Now I'm Slowing

Hearing only the wind blowing

Feeling Something Unknown

And that maybe I was Goin'

Somewhere else…

I stopped and Felt

The Darkness of the night

And the Vast Expanse of Sky, I like...

But I Felt somewhat Lonely

To be just One small Human only

In a World Filled with a thing such as Danger

And so Many other humans Known as strangers 

And I Felt the World to be a thing that was fierce

And sad that Death draws near 

But What Is It even? 

At least I'm still Here breathing

But Am I really living This Life?

Och awey ye go, it's too late tonight 

***

The next morning I went to buy some beer

And writing That sentence sounds rather queer

Cause Who buys beer before the lunch hour

Well me apparently, but at least I'd had a shower

And off I took mySelf to a wee beachy place 

Stopping first by a shrine to save Face

And do a little head hanging and Feeling disgraced

Ach well enough of That

Let's give this beer a crack 

And so I did as I Watched the view In front of my face

Sea, sand, beachy crap, aye, nice place

And then I thought I'd Spark a joint

And before You start, Remember That was the point

Of the little wee bag of weed

And I thought It was already agreed

That the Law of Man is not something I Trust

Instead I Put on the Armour of the unfussed

Anyways after a while of Feeling quite nice

I took mySelf off for a wee ride 

And Where I went I'm not quite sure 

Perhaps to gaze at the Ocean Looking so nicely azure

And I supposed I went for lunch too

And It was the unbusy season so no queue

And I Wandered about the town

Going Up and going Down

***

Later on in the Night

I went for a Wander on my moped bike

And I did purchase yet more beer

Only the two cans though, just so we're Clear

And I plonked mySelf on some beachy sand

Trying somehow to Understand

What does It mean to Be a Human

And as I got Into this Contemplation

Along the beach was a girl pacin'

Alone like I Am too

Maybe also Wondering what to do

And though part of me Felt comforted somewhat

Another part wanted This beach as all my own Plot

And so another place I sought

Further over Near those rocks

So I could have Space for my Inner Talk

And as I thought back over my Life

There were some parts I really didn't like

For Many a year Now I had been engaged in an Inner Fight

And yhe Feeling of it Filled the Emptiness of the night

And Now there may be some Who might

Realise their Judgements are much more slight 

As This is what I can Explain 

Throughout my Life I have lived In Pain

As I was Filled with Guilt and Shame

And Things for which there are no Names

And All really I can Say

Although It didn't Take them Away

The weed and beer helped keep them at bay

Until I was Ready to Meet the day

When I turned to the Darkness and said Show me okay? 

However It was not yet my Time

To Rediscover the Inner Divine

And so the hours I whiled a Way

Drinking and smoking as a means to Pray

***

The next day

I Felt a little Brighter

Perhaps It was the lonely All nighter?

Anyways It was a day of sun

And so off I went to the national park for fun

And It appeared that there I was the only One

As like I said, it was the unbusy season

And in Scotland at This time, it would have been freezin'

But In Taiwan It doesn't freeze, for some reason 

And so I went on an hour Long clamber up a hill

As I was in the Way of having time to fill

And at the viewing hut

I felt a Feeling in my Gut

Not a big Major thing

Perhaps like a Child Learning to sing

And the words are a little Unclear

But Still nice to Hear

And it said Something like

After a bit of a Dark night

It's nice to be In Fresh Air and Sunlight

And I admired This Moment for a bit

Before gradually getting fed up of It

And off I go to a weed spot

And by that I mean smoking more pot

And in the trees and in the bushes

I assumed the posture of One who is

Just a wee bit shady 

Breaking a bit of a Law maybe...

And after that I roll on

Feeling like a fresh summer Dawn

***

Again it Comes

 The Night

Drawn towards it by a Feeling of Inner plight

Out I go for a midnight ride

The middle of Nowhere 

Not a Soul in Sight

In front of me stands a building 

Dark and Silent

The Feeling from it - One of violence?

An old Abandoned ghostly attraction 

But Nothing else around, so Still, no action

And did It used to Be a place of play?

But no longer, it's been left to decay

Under the Stars, left in the shade

And I Wondered what I had found

In the Emptiness of a deserted Background

It stood out 

Like on a blank sheet of paper and Here It's been stenciled

Being there I Felt a Vast Loneliness, 

Existential 

Not so much I as a Human girl

But as a Whole entire world 

***

Throughout Life 

Something in me Felt so Lost

But I couldn't Admit it because

I needed to believe I Knew where I was

If I didn't Know

Where on Earth would I go?

Where on Earth could I Go...

***

This day I'm a Way back Hame

Gladly scootering Without any rain

And I had Gone perhaps a half hour

When I spotted - aha! 

A mountainous tower

Which basically was a wee Mountain

Just to Explain

A mountain by the name

Of...something to do with a lion

Anyway I get to flyin'

Up a Way and into the Mountain Energy field

And after a bit I began to Feel

Envigorated and Elated

As This Is my Natural Environment

Unlike those places Filled with sirens

And Violence 

This is a place of Light and green

And a Freshness so serene

And as Energy I did burst

Up and up, Whole Body first

And every Now and then for say thirty seconds

I'd Stop and Let some more Breath In

Then off again I Go 

Over-taking the leisurely Slow pokes

And at The Top

Well there wasn't a lot

Of View I mean

But I did Enjoy the rocks and the trees in This Scene

And I have a wee Rest and Sit back

And Here are some Taiwanese guys with backpacks

Hey! How'd You get so fast

Oh well, maybe I Just Relaxed

Well 'mon We'll have a cuppa

Sorry lads, but I need to get Home before supper

Well Here we'll add You to our hiking group on line

Come with Us next Time

So a Way I scurried back down

With forty New online pals Now 

And I made It back to my moped bike

Parked nice and squinty In the Sunlight

Time to hit the Open road

Let's just Hope This thing Goes

Cause thus Far I'd been so proud of having it to own

But the Further we went the more it moaned

And Now and then It gave a groan

And I Pondered if after All This was It

And instead of Riding a moped, I was riding a piece of shit

And Now I have to Stop and give it a Rest

But only about twenty times, so I can Assess 

Whether or not I will actually get

Back to my windowless flat to Go to bed

And on I went until finally Tainan city

And I must admit it was quite late and I was Feeling shitty

As I puttered around and around

My flat was Nowhere to Be Found

And had I jumped Into Another Dimension?

At this hour I couldn't handle that sort of stressin'

It turned out I'd never been to this particular part

From which I was trying to depart

And as I continued my rhythm of stop and start

A Kindly Taiwanese stranger with a Heart 

Came over and asked how far 

And drove behind me with her front wheel pushing my back

And Helping me get back on track

Thank God for Humans like That

***

And did I Find mySelf on that Trip?

Well I guess in a Way I did

As a part of me did admit

How my Life had Felt like shit

And I was Filled with Loneliness

Even though It

Seemed like there was no reason

Something Deep Inside was Grieving

Covered up by a part believing

Everything was fine

But at some Point in Time

I be Ready to Leave behind

What I believed I Knew

To See through

To the Truth